So my mood hasn't really improved overall. I've been out of touch with reality the last week - not having real internet means I can't access my world the way I want to. I was never up to date with my tv, and it took hours to read any news and check emails and the like. I also was unable to look for any jobs, as loading the home page would have taken ages -let alone searching for jobs. So I was feeling left out and doomy.
I know its my own fault that I don't have a job, that I'm not trying hard enough (probably), but at the same time, I try and try and get nothing and that is not helping me to keep trying. I don't get a lot of encouragement around here, only pressure.The longer I don't do anything, the less I feel motivated. I know that not having a set job goal isn't helping...but I have never had one and even when I try to focus my attention in one direction, it doesn't really go anywhere. -I don't want to end up like my mother, doing short term jobs with no permanent direction in sight. I don't want to be wondering where the money is going to come from all the time!
However perhaps the bigger problem now, is that I am running out of money. I wisely saved all my money from my December job which has allowed me to pay my bills this year, but I've only got enough for another month or so left. I'm drowning and I don't know what else to do. It is worse now because I don't have my family's money there to pay for living expenses anymore. My dad finally moved out and since my mum still doesn't have a job, there isn't a lot extra to go around.
That's the other half of my doomy mood - I thought I'd be happier when my dad moved out -having been expecting it since I was 10 or something. But they're still fighting, and being mean, and I feel bad, and I feel bad for my sister who is having her world shaken up, and my brother is mad at mum, and moody about it. I feel bad because I probably will have even less connection to that side of the family now. I feel bad that I wasn't told, he told my sister and my brother, but didn't plan to talk to me, until after mum told him to -which at that point I already knew so why bother?! I don't know where his new place is, well I know the rough location, but not the address.
I don't know, things are just weird around here for now. At least my mum got her room back, and a bed again. Plus its nice having extra wardrobe space in the house.
I'm not feeling great because my brother is mad at me too, and my sister always blames me for everything and won't talk to me, or acknowledge my existence. It sucks to be hated, I'm lonely -whats the point in having a family if they don't even talk to you?!
Oh well, enough of my doom and gloom, dark and twisty ways. -I must say there is one thing I keep watching to cheer me up - the trailer/promo for Katie Finneran's (of Wonderfalls, Promises Promises) new tv show. It cracks me up, I've watched it a few times already! Maybe it will make a great show, maybe it will bomb, but for now I have hope and laughter!
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Carlie
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