Carlie Blog: 2014

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Memories

So things are still the same, the house has been sold, and we are moving mid June. I am looking for somewhere to live, but its hard to find something nice enough that is affordable.

I've hit a bit of depression funk, with the move, having no social life these days, and job issues.
I have spent a lot of time at home by myself...and now I'm sick of myself. Living by myself is going to be hard. I'm lonely and can't do anything. I'm saving money that eventually I'll get to spend when I move. But I can't plan a holiday, or buy cool stuff...I just feel stuck.

In other news, I have been doing a lot of memory reading. I noticed that my ability to remember so much stuff is something that bothers me with other people. I get annoyed that they don't remember things, when I do....such as conversations or plans. I remember conversations in detail, and then get frustrated when other people don't remember. I remember all kinds of situations and events, whether they are everyday or of importance. Sometimes the fact that I remember everything drives me crazy. I get worked up going over and over bad times, or conversations where someone has put me down.
I don't remember everything though...I don't remember every single aspect of a tv show, or song lyrics, or information relating to my studies (for some reason). But I can remember facts. I can remember who is on a naughty list at work. Or if a business has come up in conversation before. I can remember what I wore or someone else wore to work. I can recite scenes from tv...and remember names and faces. -Sometimes it takes a little while, but I can retrieve things...like some details are hidden further away.
I also have very vivid dreams and can often remember them in detail when I wake up.

My brain is full of good and bad memories from my life. My earliest memory is from when I was 2 and a half the day after my brother was born when my dad picked me up from my Grandparents house. I have tons of memories from then onwards. While I am not good with specific dates, I can replay memories in my head, like watching an episode of tv.

Maybe this is related to my love of tv...the fact that I view life like a tv show...with each moment being part of an episode of a greater season.

Who knows how memory works....its a mystery. Maybe someday I will be able to forget all the bad stuff...but maybe not. I love that I have a great memory, as it makes me feel important at work. But I am working on not judging people on their lack of memory for these kinds of things. I am starting to realise that I am special in this way, and it is not their fault for not remembering.

Hopefully once everything is settled in a few months, I can relax, and start thinking about the future and less about the past and this past 6 months which has been extremely stressful.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Changes All Around

So its been a whirlwind few months for me. I've gone through a lot.

I lost my Grandma the wednesday before Christmas. So that week was really hard. So much has been going on that I am still processing it now. I miss her so much. She was my favorite family member, and the family member I was closest too.
The funeral was the day after boxing day, so that was just a mad week.

There have been tradies working on my house since November, fixing it up for sale. The constant change of my family home of 28 years hasn't been easy for me. I have not handled it well. I freaked out about changes and once I got upset about that, I lost it about everything...and couldn't control it. I've been having lots of fights.

Its a lot of change in a short amount of time. And I've lived here all my life...that little changes make me sad, and its hard to imagine moving out and someone else having my house.

Then the house went on the market a few weeks ago. And inspections started last saturday. I feel my mum and sister are not keeping the house tidy, and we were rushing around last week getting ready. I fought with mum...cause I am feeling alone. I don't get to talk to mum, because Nicole is always around and telling me to get out. Plus the only thing Mum and I used to do was drive to visit Grandma and I can't do that anymore. Plus once we move and I got to my own place...I won't have mum to chat to. I will be alone and I am liking the idea of that less and less.

Also I got ambushed the other day at work. I was told by my boss Marc that I HAD to go work wit the footpath trading team...which isn't terrible and not a different area or anything. I just really really liked the Development Permits side and was getting really good at that. I liked working with Jill. And I feel I was better at it than some of the others. Plus the fast pace of it is great.
So I kinda lost it. They pretty much said I had to do it. So that bummed me out.
This was the first week working on the other stuff. Its ok. But I've been moving around different seats...and I feel a bit isolated. I don't get to chat to customers on the phone all day, or get to talk to other people on the pod. Especially now that I'm in the little room, with just the two desks. But maybe I'll adjust eventually. The last time I did the job, I had a bit of a breakdown. So that really worries me. But I think there might be more for me to do this time around. Last time I was bored out of my mind. Plus if things get bad I might start looking for a new job.

Another inspection tomorrow....so its all changing fast. Gotta start thinking about finding a place to live. Scary freaking stuff.

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Carlie