So today my brother, who is 2.5 years younger than me, went to get his license - his P's. And as I suspected he would, he actually got them. Now this would be all fine and dandy, but ofcourse, me being me, I still don't have mine.
And so all afternoon and all night I have been feeling kinda crappy, and also jealous. Now I know it's bad, and I don't WANT to feel jealous, cause he's been 18 since March and is perfectly justified to get his license....but I kinda wanted mine first.
My parents were all raving to everyone about it, and they got chinese for dinner because of it...and it all just made me feel really left out, and crappy. I know I don't feel ready, and I DO want my license, but me being me, I still haven't gotten it.... I'm so complicated. At least I know I've grown up a little, or am at least able to hold in my jealousy now....cause normally in this situation I would start carrying on about it being totally unfair and how he shouldn't deserve it.....but mostly I'm just sad and feeling bad about myself. So I didn't make a brat out of myself tonight. -Which is good.
But I still hate that it takes me so long to do things. I know it's not my fault, that I missed 4 years of my life and that it's taking me some time to get through growing up. Some things had to come early, and some things are taking a little longer. It took me ages to decide what I wanted to do...I still don't know exactly, but I am a lot closer to an idea of my own, and not one people are telling me I should do...I got a job, which took a very long time, but I am working. I am able to use the phone to order take-out - which a few years ago I couldn't do. And other little things...
I just wish I could be normal, could have grown up and done everything at the right time...or closer to it....but I can't.
Hopefully I'll get my license soon. But I still don't feel ready...
I was also trying to not think about how I have never dated, never had a boyfriend or even a really close friend.
I know I don't NEED one, but sometimes I feel like I should have someone.
Actually all I really want is to feel needed, for someone to be close to and to need me as much as I need them and to not just leave like most. The longest friend I've ever had.....I dunno. Out of my current friends, I wouldn't call any of them my best friend, I don't feel close to anyone. Maybe my sister, but I want someone who isn't family to be close to. I want a real friend, who will understand my wants and my fears and will know when I am not myself, and who will listen when I have a problem, and more importantly, someone who I feel comfortable talking to about things, cause right now I have no-one to talk to about anything like that....noboody knows whats going on in my head, and I am starting to fear that no-one ever will......
Sorry to sound so drastic...but this is all I've got.
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Carlie
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